Confidence.

I’ve been thinking about confidence lately.

I really don’t have much confidence at all if I’m being honest.

It’s the ultimate reason for why it’s frustratingly impossible for me to take part in class discussions. It’s why I worry about what I look like. It’s why I trail off on my sentences or take back what I said. It’s the reason I second-guess myself and can’t make decisions. It’s why I get nervous before things like presentations or going somewhere new or talking to someone I don’t know.

It all goes back to confidence.

But in all of that, I’ve realized that not being confident in myself means I’m not confident in God. He made me. He made my passions, my knowledge, my opinions, ideas and thoughts. He made my appearance. He made me exactly how I am for a reason and a purpose. So, I should be confident in that because it’s from Him, and He is perfect. Because He is perfect and knows all things and sees all things, I can be confident in Him and trust Him which means I can be confident and trust myself because He is in me.

I was listening to The Artist by Rend Collective on my car ride home and it says “You make all things bright and beautiful, wild and colorful. You make our lives bright and beautiful, wild and colorful. You are the artist.” It’s so good and so convicting. It’s so easy to love God’s creation and other people because of the beauty in them. (For the most part, anyway.) But I struggle so hard to love myself and find that beauty in me. Why, though?

I’m just as much His creation as everybody else. I’m loved like everyone else. I’m forgiven and given grace and mercy. Jesus died for me too. But I seem to forget that.

I think it’s hard because I don’t want to be selfish. I don’t want the attention to be on me because then I’ll look self-absorbed. I want to care about others so badly that I tend to neglect myself. That thought process is almost prideful, though.  It’s almost prideful of me to not be confident in myself. It’s prideful to want to be better or prettier because then I’m hoping to change how God created me. I am perfectly Mikayla, and you are perfectly you. We’re not perfect, but we’re the perfect one of us because we’re the only one of us.

I’ve learned that it’s nearly impossible to love others the way you should if you don’t love yourself like you should.

So here’s my challenge to you and me… embrace yourself. love yourself. be yourself.

Be exactly who God made you to be, and don’t let anyone especially yourself give you a reason not to be confident in that.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;  your works are wonderful, I know that full well. -Psalm 139:14

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I Have A Trust Problem.

This past year I’ve learned a lot about myself, and through this I’ve grown so much. I finally understand the root of some of my major problems and sins. I worry a lot. It’s something I’ve always struggled with, and until recently I didn’t necessarily want to fix it or even know how if I did want to fix it. The answer is Jesus. It always is.

Along with my worry problem, I also get stressed extremely easily. It’s also always been a problem for me, and sometimes it might be because I’m a horrible procrastinator, but most of the time, it’s because my focus isn’t where it should be. It should be on God.

Finally, I have this problem with impatience. It’s definitely the least prevalent out of all of these, but it’s there and a problem. I want things, now. But that’s not God’s plan, and I need to accept that.

All of these point to one thing, and that’s my very prevalent and strong trust problem. To put it simply, I don’t trust God in a lot of aspects of my life. I like to say I do, but because of my worry, stress and impatience, I don’t live like I do.

BUT since God has made me realize all of this, I’m working on it, and nothing has felt so good. I’m not perfect in any of these areas, and I don’t think I will ever be. I have improved, though. I don’t worry or stress nearly as much. This past semester may have been my hardest semester yet, but it didn’t feel that way, and I’m so thankful for that. Putting everything in His hands and trusting that His plans are what’s best for me, not mine, is the best feeling. It’s so draining worrying and stressing, and so relieving when you let it all go and let God control it. My goal is to close my eyes, take His hand and let Him lead me wherever He wants because that’s so much easier than planning everything on my own.

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And A Selfish Problem.

Up until this point, this was written a while ago. I never posted it because it never felt complete. What I’m about to add may not make what was already written complete, but I think it will make the blog overall more complete.

Yesterday, I realized another problem that is so prevalent in my life, I almost missed it. It doesn’t come back to the trust problem, but it’s still important. I am a very selfish person. I pretend I’m not, but I am. I think of myself most of the time and leave very little room for anyone else. And the people I do leave room for are my friends and family. Typically, I don’t give a second thought to the homeless guy I pass on the street or the person who looks lost in Walmart or anyone who needs help. I just walk by. There are so many people in the world who need help or love or a hug, and I don’t give it to them. I don’t even try. And I don’t try because I don’t want to.

I think this selfishness that I have may steam from my personality. I’m not trying to give excuses for why I’m so selfish, but I truly think this is why I am so selfish. I need people’s acceptance. I need people to like me. I constantly apologize for being me, and I constantly try to impress people. It’s something I’ve always done. I simply care what people think of me, and I think that all of this points to selfishness. I have always been so absorbed in myself and how others view me that I don’t even glance at the people around me. It doesn’t matter what people think of me because God made me perfectly the way I am, and it’s so selfish to think that He didn’t.

I have a friend. Her name is Kylee, and I would consider her one of my best friends. One of the reasons why is because she consistently pushes me to be a better me. She forces me to go out of comfort zone so I can improve. She takes the time to attempt to help me. And she did this all before I even made the connection. Yes, I wanted to fix it before now, but I never even really knew the problem. Maybe she didn’t see my selfishness, but everything she has done to make me care less about what people think has been steps toward a more selfless me. God knew what He was doing when He put her in my life. I am so thankful for Kylee and her ability to understand me when I didn’t even understand myself, and she means more to me than she’ll ever know because of that. And maybe the reason I’m sharing all of this on this blog is because I can’t talk to her right now to tell her how I finally understand. And I just had to tell someone. I get it, y’all. It all makes sense now.

And now I will pray a lot. I will put in extra effort in all of these things to improve and get better. And TRUST that God will always 100% of the time take care of me and put me into the situations and places that I’m supposed to be in and that He will never give me too much to handle.

Thanks, God, for forgiving me for things I’ve already done and things I will do, and thanks for being there. I can’t do it on my own.