I am not alone.

I am not alone
I am not alone
You will go before me
You will never leave me

These words spoke truth into me this morning at church. Don’t you love how God always knows what you need to hear?

I can pretend all I want that this has been an easy August, but the truth is post-college depression is all too real apparently. (I googled it… it’s a common problem)

Instead of focusing on the beautiful, wonderful and amazing things that happen.
I’ve fallen into focusing on the negative.

I’m jobless. Because finding a job is hard and rejection letters just keep on coming.
I’m lonely. Because most of my friends either don’t live here anymore or are still in school.
I’m bored. Because the only thing I have to do is sit at home with my puppies.
I’m pretty sure I’ve gained weight. Because I don’t walk up hills all day anymore.

But you know, the next song we sang at church was Lead Me to the Cross. And it always gets me. Every. Time. Rid me of myself, I belong to You.

If I really did that, got on my knees, laid me down, got rid of myself, the negatives wouldn’t bother me.

Because I wouldn’t believe those lies that I’ve been telling myself.
I’d trust in His plan.
I’d know that I belong to Him.
I wouldn’t define myself by what society calls successful, meaningful and purposeful.
I wouldn’t define myself by how many friends I have.
I’d identify myself by Christ alone.
I’d know that I am never alone.
I’d spend my time more wisely and with Him.

And that’s what I strive for because life is so much better when I don’t let myself get in the way of the joy found in Christ.

I got a postcard in the mail today from a dear friend. On the front was a picture of a piece from the British Museum. It was a chair made out of guns. On the back, she wrote “What man intends for evil, God does for good!”

And I could write an entire post about that in a completely different context, but here I will say… what I see as terrible is good in God’s eyes. This season is good because He is good, not bad because it’s not what my plan was.

After Joseph’s brothers sold him into slavery, Joseph found the heart to say “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives” (Genesis 50:20).

That’s amazing. Humanly, he should have been angry. He should have hated his brothers, but instead he realized that God used that season of awful for good. I think that’s exactly what God is teaching me now. It may not be physical harm or violence like Joseph. It’s definitely not the most terrible thing to ever happen. It’s simply a storm that I wish would pass. But I keep reminding myself how truly blessed I am. There’s so much to be thankful for. And this season, will be used for good. It will be used to fulfill His holy plan. It will teach me and grow me and help me trust Him more. I know there is good here because God is here.

“And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.” -Romans 8:28

“Blessed be the Lord, who has not left you this day without a redeemer.” -Ruth 4:14

My prayer today is… Lord, let me become more aware of your presence. Thank you for never leaving or forsaking me. Thank you for loving me so well. Thank you for grace in my failures. Thank you for your perfect plan. You are so good. You are faithful. And you are sovereign. Help me remember that. Help me love you better. Amen.

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Heaven.

I hear a lot of fellow Christians on the subject of Heaven talking about the rewards that we will receive. About how we’ll get all of these fancy crowns and mansions. There will be glorious streets of gold. It’ll all be so amazing and like nothing we’ve ever seen before.

But honestly, I don’t get why that’s so often the focus.

Yes, those things are wonderful and sure I guess I’m pumped for it because we all know I’m not going to see those things in my lifetime here.

But in Heaven we’re going to be in the presence, the actual presence, of our Lord and Savior.

I don’t think I’m going to care if I have a crown or a mansion. I won’t care that I’m walking on streets of gold.

Because I’ll be able to worship Him perfectly forever and ever. I’ll be able to sit at His actual feet and praise everything that He has done. I’ll be able to walk by His side for eternity. Isn’t that a thousand times more beautiful and incredible than riches?

Our human minds always go straight to the riches of Heaven, but that’s not even important. We will be with God!

Admittedly, I’m not really one to want to hurry my residence in Heaven along because there’s so much more that I want to do here. But when I started thinking about it like the presence of God rather than a place with lots of riches, it became something that I can actually look forward to. The fancy and gold part of Heaven has never really been what attracts me to it. It’s just Jesus that does.

No more pain, tears, heartache, injustice, anxiety, fear, hatred, depression… so that we can just continuously joyously worship our Father with our Father without those things as distractions. Wow.

There’s also this hope that I can look forward to a place where everyone is unified. There will be a unified and peaceful body of people, with different genders, races, languages, classes, educations, interests, country of origins, backgrounds and sins, together worshiping our commonality… God. It’s so beautiful to me. We live on an earth with so many arguments and wars and conflicts and disagreements, and Heaven won’t have that. We will finally look past our differences and live together peacefully. I literally can’t wait for that.

But I also think we often get caught up in “Lord, come quickly” because we’re tired of living in this evil, messed up world and want that peace. I know I’ve definitely thought that a few times in the past few weeks alone. But I think we have to start  remembering the people, so many people, who have never heard Jesus’s name. They don’t know about His love, grace, mercy, kindness, courage, and forgiveness. They haven’t heard of His incredible act on the cross. They don’t know, and we should have compassion for them because Heaven is going to be so great.

I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve asked the Lord to go ahead and come just because I know I’m going to fail a test the next day. But in the grand scheme of things, that is selfish. He can go ahead and come because I know I’ll be in Heaven with Him when He does. But what about the people who haven’t heard? We should love the world enough to pray that each person knows Him before they leave this earth. And I know God will come back whenever He wants regardless of what we want or pray or hope. But we should want to see every single person in Heaven with us.

So even wishing for just ourselves to be in Heaven with Him before His timing is selfish. We are still here, living and breathing, because He is using us here to spread the gospel. Embrace that. Yes, look forward to Heaven and think of it as often as you get discouraged by this world. It’s encouraging to know where our home is. But don’t waste your time here wishing you were there. You are being used with every breath for a higher purpose and calling and it’s important. Don’t waste it.

Ultimately, it should break our hearts every time someone dies without knowing Him. Even if they were the worst person on the planet. Even if we think they somehow deserved death.

It should break our hearts.

I guess there’s two actions to do from here that I want to challenge all of us to do:

1. Tell others about Jesus through words and also actions. Not for an extra reward in Heaven but because your heart is broken. And not just the comfortable or the easy or the ones you think deserve Jesus, but the ones that you know you’re the exact opposite from. The ones you know will be hard. The ones you know will take work. And do it with love. Love that person like Jesus so that they see Jesus before you even speak His name.
2. And try your absolute hardest to make this world as close to Heaven as possible. Yes, it will never happen. This world will never be perfect. Sin messed that up. But we can advocate for justice and mercy and peace and love and hope and joy and unity. We can make this world better and we should. We shouldn’t complacently sit around while terrible things happen because we know it will never compare to Heaven. We shouldn’t walk by the broken man on the side of the road. This is our home for the time being so we should always strive to make it better, more like Jesus. Be healers and peacemakers and bridge builders and lovers and uniters and joy bringers. Because Jesus himself prayed… “Your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.” (Matthew 6:10) And that should be our prayer too.
   

I imagine Heaven will be exactly like those moments of beautiful and intimate impromptu circles of friends in the middle of the parking lot singing songs of praise to the Lord in sweet fellowship. And it will be just as perfect as those moments. And those moments give me hope that snippets of Heaven can happen on earth too.

He is Good.

God’s plan is always good. That’s something that I am trying to remember  lately.

Even when,

Christina Grimmie was shot and killed at her concert last night.

There’s going to be a Trump vs. Clinton election this year.

I just turned down the only job offer I’ve gotten.

My pups can sit on command, but they still pee in the house.

There’s way too much poverty, violence, war, oppression and hate in the world.

There are so many “Lord, help me” prayers going on right now.

Really, I don’t understand His plan at all. But I know that it is good because He is good.

He is so, so good.

And maybe we don’t see His goodness in the mundane, horrible and unexpected things.
I know I don’t always.

But we see His goodness in His love, mercy and grace. In His death on the cross to save us from darkness. In His provision. In His blessings. In His creation. In His word. In His people.

And I am thankful for that. Oh so thankful.

It is easy to see His goodness in the good and lovely moments. It isn’t in the not so good moments, but we have to see it in those moments too because His goodness is unchanging. His goodness is always holy no matter what is happening.

Trusting the Lord and His timing and plan is hard and not something I’m good at. I’m not going to pretend that I am sitting here not worried about life. Because I am. But because I know that He is good, I am trying so hard to trust Him.

So trust Him no matter how difficult it is. Trust Him no matter how confused you are. Trust Him even if you think He’s wrong and your plan is better. Trust Him.

This song is always on my heart, but especially today…

“Let the King of my heart
be the mountain where I run
The Fountain I drink from
Oh He is my Song
Let the King of my heart
be the shadow where I hide
the ransom for my life
Oh He is my Song

You are good good ohhh
You are good good ohhh
You are good good ohhh
You are good good ohhh

Let the King of my heart
be the wind inside my sails
The anchor in the waves
Oh He is my Song
Let the King of my heart
be the fire inside my veins
the echo of my days
Oh He is my Song

You are good good ohhh
You are good good ohhh
You are good good ohhh
You are good good ohhh

You’re never gonna let me down
You’re never gonna let me down
You’re never gonna let me down
You’re never gonna let me down
You’re never gonna let me down
You’re never gonna let me down
You’re never gonna let me down
You’re never gonna let me down”

Oh give thanks to the LORD, for he is good, for his steadfast love endures forever! (Psalm 107:1)

Confidence.

I’ve been thinking about confidence lately.

I really don’t have much confidence at all if I’m being honest.

It’s the ultimate reason for why it’s frustratingly impossible for me to take part in class discussions. It’s why I worry about what I look like. It’s why I trail off on my sentences or take back what I said. It’s the reason I second-guess myself and can’t make decisions. It’s why I get nervous before things like presentations or going somewhere new or talking to someone I don’t know.

It all goes back to confidence.

But in all of that, I’ve realized that not being confident in myself means I’m not confident in God. He made me. He made my passions, my knowledge, my opinions, ideas and thoughts. He made my appearance. He made me exactly how I am for a reason and a purpose. So, I should be confident in that because it’s from Him, and He is perfect. Because He is perfect and knows all things and sees all things, I can be confident in Him and trust Him which means I can be confident and trust myself because He is in me.

I was listening to The Artist by Rend Collective on my car ride home and it says “You make all things bright and beautiful, wild and colorful. You make our lives bright and beautiful, wild and colorful. You are the artist.” It’s so good and so convicting. It’s so easy to love God’s creation and other people because of the beauty in them. (For the most part, anyway.) But I struggle so hard to love myself and find that beauty in me. Why, though?

I’m just as much His creation as everybody else. I’m loved like everyone else. I’m forgiven and given grace and mercy. Jesus died for me too. But I seem to forget that.

I think it’s hard because I don’t want to be selfish. I don’t want the attention to be on me because then I’ll look self-absorbed. I want to care about others so badly that I tend to neglect myself. That thought process is almost prideful, though.  It’s almost prideful of me to not be confident in myself. It’s prideful to want to be better or prettier because then I’m hoping to change how God created me. I am perfectly Mikayla, and you are perfectly you. We’re not perfect, but we’re the perfect one of us because we’re the only one of us.

I’ve learned that it’s nearly impossible to love others the way you should if you don’t love yourself like you should.

So here’s my challenge to you and me… embrace yourself. love yourself. be yourself.

Be exactly who God made you to be, and don’t let anyone especially yourself give you a reason not to be confident in that.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;  your works are wonderful, I know that full well. -Psalm 139:14

Two Little Truths

I wouldn’t usually be sitting here writing this when there’s a pile of homework beside me waiting to be done. But here I am. It’s easier because I already wrote all of this in the journal I started today. I bought a journal that I was supposed to fill with the times I was stressed out (aka all of the time) for a class, Stress Management, that I dropped because it was stressing me out. Long story. So, I changed the journal into journaling about Jesus because why not. I should have been doing it all along.

God has been reminding me over and over the past few days of these two little truths. Truths that once I realized have already significantly changed how I view life.

The first is this. God is enough. He and His love alone satisfies me. I don’t need other’s affections. I don’t need other’s compliments or Facebook likes. I don’t need people or food or things. Because none of that will satisfy me. It’s a hard thing to realize especially for someone like me who feels like she needs all of those desperately. I need acceptance. I need other people. I need my iPhone to survive. But those things won’t fill me like God does. I will always be left unsatisfied, feeling not good enough, disappointed, unloved and empty when I rely on those things or other people. Because they all fail. People fail you and make you feel unloved. iPhone’s die. Food spoils. Flowers fade. But God? He will always satisfy. He will never fail you or stop loving you. Ever. He is enough. He is all I really need. I never truly grasped what is meant by He is the bread of life, and now I do.

The second hit me suddenly and out of nowhere. But it relates to my constant fear of missing out. I’m basically like a kid who won’t fall asleep for a nap for fear of missing something awesome. I don’t like missing things. I don’t think anyone does. But God stopped me in my tracks and told me that in whatever moment I am in, He put me there. He designed the moment I am in right now intentionally and purposefully. So I shouldn’t be thinking of other moments I could be missing or what else I could be doing. I should be living this moment to its fullest. I should be completely present and engaged in every moment that I am in. And admittedly, I don’t do this very often. I am constantly thinking about something else instead of living in the exact moment that I was placed in. So this is definitely something I needed to realize. It’s something I need to work on improving at.

So there they are. Two little truths that I wanted to share with you.

Let Us Be Women Who Love.

I’m ten pages (now eighteen) into Jesus Feminist by Sarah Bessey (forward by Rachel Held Evans… have I expressed how much I love both of those ladies?), not even on Chapter One yet and absolutely in love. While I would love to quote the entire book for you (or at least all that I’ve read), I’ll just leave you with a few things. The first is the manifesto Sarah begins the book with. It’s the manifesto for a magazine called SheLoves which I just discovered but it’s pretty great, and you should check it out. The manifesto goes like this:

Let us be women who Love.

Let us be women willing to lay down our sword words, our sharp looks, our ignorant silence and towering stance and fill the earth now with extravagant Love.

Let us be women who Love.

Let us be women who make room.

Let us be women who open our arms and invite others into an honest, spacious, glorious embrace.

Let us be women who carry each other.

Let us be women who give from what we have.

Let us be women who leap to do the difficult things, the unexpected things and the necessary things.

Let us be women who live for Peace.

Let us be women who breathe Hope.

Let us be women who create beauty.

Let us be women who Love.

Let us be a sanctuary where God may dwell.

Let us be a garden for tender souls.

Let us be a table where others may feast on the goodness of God.

Let us be a womb for Life to grow.

Let us be women who Love.

Let us rise to the questions of our time.

Let us speak to the injustices in our world.

Let us move the mountains of fear and intimidation.

Let us shout down the walls that separate and divide.

Let us fill the earth with the fragrance of Love.

Let us be women who Love.

Let us listen for those who have been silenced.

Let us honour those who have been devalued.

Let us say, Enough! with abuse, abandonment, diminishing and hiding.

Let us not rest until every person is free and equal.

Let us be women who Love.

Let us be women who are savvy, smart and wise.

Let us be women who shine with the light of God in us.

Let us be women who take courage and sing the song in our hearts.

Let us be women who say, Yes to the beautiful, unique purpose seeded in our souls.

Let us be women who call out the song in another’s heart.

Let us be women who teach our children to do the same.

Let us be women who Love.

Let us be women who Love, in spite of fear.

Let us be women who Love, in spite of our stories.

Let us be women who Love loudly, beautifully, Divinely.

Let us be women who Love.

I love everything about it, and I strive to be a woman who loves like that.

Her introduction is beautifully and stunningly written so I have high hopes and expectations for the rest of the book. But in the introduction she confesses to being the person who was defensive and fought and was angry instead of being faithful and kind. As I read her confessions, I realized that sometimes I’m that person too. Probably way too often, and I don’t want to be.

She says “May there be grace and kindness, gentleness and love in our hearts, especially for the ones who we believe are profoundly wrong. The Good News is proclaimed when we love each other. I pray for unity beyond conformity, because loving-kindness preaches the gospel more beautifully and truthfully than any satirical blog post or point-by-point dismantling of another disciple’s reputation and teaching.”

I want to remember that so badly. I want to practice it. I want to be kind, gentle and loving instead of angry, argumentative and harsh. Because she’s right, it’s way more effective in sharing the gospel. It’s also exactly what God asks of us. Ephesians 4:1-3 is just one of many places in the Bible that speaks on this. “I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.”

The last thing I’ll say about this book (for now) is the subtitle is “Exploring God’s radical notion that women are people, too.” I love that. It’s empowering to know that God thinks I’m a person. It’s sad that so many treat women as though they aren’t human. It’s discouraging to realize that it’s treated as a radical notion when it actually isn’t radical at all. But isn’t that what’s so wonderful about feminism? About Jesus? Both are striving to radically love everyone equally. Something that shouldn’t be radical but is.

Jesus was the number one lover of any and all women and any and all people. This is so important to remember. To love like Jesus is to love everyone equally and fully. Excluding no one. I long to love like that. There are people in my life who I don’t want to love which makes it impossible to love like Jesus does. So that’s my goal. To love those I don’t want to love. The ones who are hard to love.

Now onto Chapter One, Jesus Made a Feminist Out of Me… ain’t that the truth.

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Oops, I started reading the first chapter before I published the blog so I have to add in a bit more… she begins the chapter with debunking myths about feminism (like it’s not man-hating PREACH) and urging the church to reclaim the word. Oh yes. I think I’m definitely going to like this book.

I already know that I’m going to be recommending this book to everyone so I’m just going to go ahead and tell you to read it. I don’t even care who you are or what your beliefs are… it doesn’t matter… read it.

Sin is sin is sin.

“Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And such were some of you. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.” – 1 Corinthians 6:9-11

I know the phrase “sin is sin is sin” is extremely cliché, and you’ve probably heard it a million times. But it’s also extremely true, and I bet most of you don’t even stop to fully understand what it means.

I’ve heard people express so many times how one sin is greater than another when that isn’t true at all. God sees all sin as just that… sin. We as humans have the tendency to be more forgiving and have more acceptance towards sins such as lying or worrying, but God sees them just the same as murder or adultery. Today, we as Christians put huge emphasis on sins like homosexuality and abortion, and I guess I can see why… because they’re sins that have started being accepted by society today, but if you think about it, A LOT of sins are accepted by society. I think that, as Christians, no we shouldn’t accept these sins… we shouldn’t even tolerate them, but we do need to realize that murder is the same as lying. Homosexuality is the same as worrying. It’s all sin, and it’s all forgiven by God. So, since it’s forgiven by God, we need to forgive it too. I know it’s hard… believe me I do. When I think about the awful people in this world like murderers, rapists, etc… I don’t want to forgive them, but I should.

Hate the sin, not the sinner. That’s what God does and aren’t we supposed to strive to be more like Him? LOVE the sinner, no matter how “bad” the sin is.

I also see so often Christians look down on other Christians because of their past. If they’re saved, they’re a new creature, a new person. Their slate has been wiped clean. So why judge someone, a saved someone, based on their past? None of that matters. None of it. All that matters is that that person is new. That person is 100% clean in God’s eyes. Yes, they’re going to sin more, we all sin more. But they are forgiven. God’s grace is so incredible like that. He will clean up the dirtiest person. He doesn’t want a person to come to Him in perfect condition. He wants to save a broken, messed up person, and that’s exactly what He does. That’s what he did to me. Don’t clean yourself up for Him, that’s His job. And Christians, don’t judge someone based on their sin because that’s also His job. We are called to love, not judge.

And just to make this straight… that doesn’t mean we are to accept sin. For example, homosexuality is a sin. So, do we accept gay marriage? No. But do we continually insult and put down people who are gay? Absolutely not. We are to love them, guys. We can hate the sin all we want, but the person? No. We can be actively against things like homosexuality and abortion, but we can’t hate the people who support/participate in them. Showing love is one of the greatest ways to radiate God. If someone sees you loving them unconditionally, they’ll ask you why… and there’s your opportunity to share the gospel.