employed.

“Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality.” Romans 12:13
I read this verse today and it immediately reminded me of what I get to do for a living. What a blessing it is to help those in need on a daily basis.

I’ve officially been employed for a month, and I’ve got things to say. In case you weren’t aware, I work for a non-profit organization as a case manager. I have a caseload of 50 clients who all have some sort of mental illness.

It’s so strange because it is not at all what I saw myself doing and it’s not at all what is within my comfort zone. But it is so obviously where I’m supposed to be.

I joke that God applied for this position for me because while I applied for multiple positions at my organization, I didn’t apply for this one. My application ended up being transferred to my program where I was then called for an interview and then hired.  After six months of job searching, I wasn’t going to say no to a job that quite literally fell in my lap.

And I’m so glad I said yes.

Because it’s been so good. My co-workers are wonderful. I could brag on them for days. The working environment is fantastic. The hours, the schedule, the actual work I’m doing, heck even the dress code is all great. And I get paid! I’m still trying to get the hang of it all and get settled into a routine, but I think I’m going to like (love) it. I really do. I already do.

But I can’t lie and say that it hasn’t been hard. It’s been exhausting. It’s been anxiety-inducing. It’s been frustrating. And I’ve had plenty of “I have no idea what I’m doing” moments. But I know I’m supposed to be here which makes it easier to push through the difficult moments and to work all the more harder to learn faster and better.

God is so clearly pushing me to become a better me through this job because the majority of my job is doing things that would normally make me extremely uncomfortable.

For example: phone calls. I typically hate those. Even with my friends. But I probably make at least 10-20 phone calls a day.

Walking up to people’s doors. Yeah, that gives me anxiety when it’s my friend’s house. Take it up a notch… now I’m walking up to people’s doors who I’ve never met before in sometimes the sketchiest places in the city.

Driving around town. I don’t like driving when I know where I’m going. I’m so directionally challenged. But here I am driving all around the county to places I didn’t even know existed. Sometimes with other people in my car making my anxiety level even worse.

Treatment Team. Okay first of all, I love treatment team. It is so insanely helpful when you’ve got clients with a whole bunch of question marks beside them. It is a much needed time of problem solving. But y’all know discussion is my worst nightmare. Discussion points on the syllabus was the death of me and my grades in college. It has always been so hard for me to speak up in those types of settings. So naturally it’s still a difficult time.

But God is teaching me that I have to press on. I have to overcome my anxiety, awkwardness and fear. I have to do these things that make me uncomfortable because IT’S MY JOB. I have no choice but to do them. It makes absolutely no sense to me why I got this job. But I know God wants me to learn and grow as a person through it. I know it’s where God planned for me to be. If it wasn’t, every door that opened and every moment that lined up perfectly wouldn’t have happened. So, I’m going to keep working as hard as I possibly can.

I thought I’d hate having a job and being a real adult. I really did. I missed college (and still do) and thought there was no way I could experience something better. But God has proved me wrong. I love working. I love helping people through my work. I love having an outlet to pursue my passions. And I genuinely can’t wait to continue moving forward and pressing on.

Some days I don’t want to go to work. Some days I don’t want to wake up at 6:15. Some days I want to give up. Some days go nothing like I planned them to. Some days I’m so exhausted by the end of the day that all I want to do is go home and get in my bed. But most days, I find something to thank God for and keep pressing on. So, that’s what I’m going to keep doing.

“Let us run with endurance the race that is set before us.” Hebrews 12:1

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

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Heaven.

I hear a lot of fellow Christians on the subject of Heaven talking about the rewards that we will receive. About how we’ll get all of these fancy crowns and mansions. There will be glorious streets of gold. It’ll all be so amazing and like nothing we’ve ever seen before.

But honestly, I don’t get why that’s so often the focus.

Yes, those things are wonderful and sure I guess I’m pumped for it because we all know I’m not going to see those things in my lifetime here.

But in Heaven we’re going to be in the presence, the actual presence, of our Lord and Savior.

I don’t think I’m going to care if I have a crown or a mansion. I won’t care that I’m walking on streets of gold.

Because I’ll be able to worship Him perfectly forever and ever. I’ll be able to sit at His actual feet and praise everything that He has done. I’ll be able to walk by His side for eternity. Isn’t that a thousand times more beautiful and incredible than riches?

Our human minds always go straight to the riches of Heaven, but that’s not even important. We will be with God!

Admittedly, I’m not really one to want to hurry my residence in Heaven along because there’s so much more that I want to do here. But when I started thinking about it like the presence of God rather than a place with lots of riches, it became something that I can actually look forward to. The fancy and gold part of Heaven has never really been what attracts me to it. It’s just Jesus that does.

No more pain, tears, heartache, injustice, anxiety, fear, hatred, depression… so that we can just continuously joyously worship our Father with our Father without those things as distractions. Wow.

There’s also this hope that I can look forward to a place where everyone is unified. There will be a unified and peaceful body of people, with different genders, races, languages, classes, educations, interests, country of origins, backgrounds and sins, together worshiping our commonality… God. It’s so beautiful to me. We live on an earth with so many arguments and wars and conflicts and disagreements, and Heaven won’t have that. We will finally look past our differences and live together peacefully. I literally can’t wait for that.

But I also think we often get caught up in “Lord, come quickly” because we’re tired of living in this evil, messed up world and want that peace. I know I’ve definitely thought that a few times in the past few weeks alone. But I think we have to start  remembering the people, so many people, who have never heard Jesus’s name. They don’t know about His love, grace, mercy, kindness, courage, and forgiveness. They haven’t heard of His incredible act on the cross. They don’t know, and we should have compassion for them because Heaven is going to be so great.

I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve asked the Lord to go ahead and come just because I know I’m going to fail a test the next day. But in the grand scheme of things, that is selfish. He can go ahead and come because I know I’ll be in Heaven with Him when He does. But what about the people who haven’t heard? We should love the world enough to pray that each person knows Him before they leave this earth. And I know God will come back whenever He wants regardless of what we want or pray or hope. But we should want to see every single person in Heaven with us.

So even wishing for just ourselves to be in Heaven with Him before His timing is selfish. We are still here, living and breathing, because He is using us here to spread the gospel. Embrace that. Yes, look forward to Heaven and think of it as often as you get discouraged by this world. It’s encouraging to know where our home is. But don’t waste your time here wishing you were there. You are being used with every breath for a higher purpose and calling and it’s important. Don’t waste it.

Ultimately, it should break our hearts every time someone dies without knowing Him. Even if they were the worst person on the planet. Even if we think they somehow deserved death.

It should break our hearts.

I guess there’s two actions to do from here that I want to challenge all of us to do:

1. Tell others about Jesus through words and also actions. Not for an extra reward in Heaven but because your heart is broken. And not just the comfortable or the easy or the ones you think deserve Jesus, but the ones that you know you’re the exact opposite from. The ones you know will be hard. The ones you know will take work. And do it with love. Love that person like Jesus so that they see Jesus before you even speak His name.
2. And try your absolute hardest to make this world as close to Heaven as possible. Yes, it will never happen. This world will never be perfect. Sin messed that up. But we can advocate for justice and mercy and peace and love and hope and joy and unity. We can make this world better and we should. We shouldn’t complacently sit around while terrible things happen because we know it will never compare to Heaven. We shouldn’t walk by the broken man on the side of the road. This is our home for the time being so we should always strive to make it better, more like Jesus. Be healers and peacemakers and bridge builders and lovers and uniters and joy bringers. Because Jesus himself prayed… “Your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.” (Matthew 6:10) And that should be our prayer too.
   

I imagine Heaven will be exactly like those moments of beautiful and intimate impromptu circles of friends in the middle of the parking lot singing songs of praise to the Lord in sweet fellowship. And it will be just as perfect as those moments. And those moments give me hope that snippets of Heaven can happen on earth too.

Diversity and Inclusion.

(Picture found on the UTDiversityMatters’s Facebook page)

I’m frustrated. It’s not uncommon for me. You probably know that, but today I found myself so overwhelmed with all of these negative emotions that I couldn’t even form a thought that made sense. So, naturally I’m writing about it to try to form something coherent.

This morning in my Law and Society class we talked about immigrants. Immigrants are people, and that’s all that really matters to me. I don’t care where they’re from, why they needed to leave their country, what they’ve done… All I care about is that they’re people that need help. But we (America) don’t do a good job at helping them. We make citizenship impossible to achieve. We arrest, detain and deport them just for existing. Because somehow it’s possible for a human being who God placed on this planet to be illegal for just breathing. We make it loud and clear that we are exclusive.

It’s like we’re saying “Sorry, we’re known as a melting pot but we actually don’t like anyone who doesn’t look, act or talk like us. Oh, there’s political conflict, natural disasters, war and stagnant economies in your country? Well, that’s just too bad you’ll have to deal with it or find somewhere else to go because I have to eat my post-dinner ice cream, fill up my new car with gas, charge my iPhone and watch my Netflix shows. I don’t have the time, energy or resources to help you.”

Are we really that afraid of people who aren’t like us? Are we so afraid of diversity that we’ll risk their lives? Like our luxuries and  privilege are more important than their lives. They leave their country out of fear. They don’t want to leave their home, everything they know and love, but they have to. They don’t have this big agenda to destroy America. They’re seeking refuge, and they think they can find it here. But they don’t because we don’t give it to them. Because we make them live in fear here too. Instead of being welcoming and kind, loving and caring, we make them continue to live in fear.

That entire conversation in my class this morning reminded me of the current big UT issue, The Office of Diversity and Inclusion. As most of you know, there is a bill trying to defund the office for In God We Trust decals for law enforcement vehicles and minority scholarships. Now, I have a lot to say about what they want the money to go to, but I’m going to skip that to talk about the importance of why we need diversity and inclusion. A more important conversation.

We need diversity because we’re scared of people not like us. Why is that? Because we aren’t exposed to them. Why is that? Because we aren’t inclusive. We kick people out of the country, our bakeries, our churches, you name it because we’re exclusive. Just like segregation. Only whites allowed. Only white, Christian, heterosexual, men allowed. And there’s always stereotypical reasons to allow this discrimination and oppression to happen. All blacks are criminals, all Hispanics are trying to take our jobs (like we have an entitlement to those jobs), all Muslims are terrorists. They don’t seem wrong, though, because some (a tiny minority) have done those things. We have seen them do it. But it is absolutely essential for us to remember that not everyone falls under those categories. This is why categories are so damaging. They lump all people who look the same into one category when maybe that category doesn’t fit them at all.

And I know. Trust me, I remember 9/11. I know that it scares us, it scares me. Some terrible things have happened because of outsiders. And I’ll be honest, I don’t have the magical solution. I don’t know how to keep all “bad” people out and let all “good” people in. It’s hard and complicated and tricky and risky. But all I know is that they’re people even the “bad” ones. They’re people who deserve to be treated like human beings, like a precious life worthy of living.

And I also know that less than 20% of all immigrants commit serious criminal acts. Most immigrants are arrested and deported for minor crimes like a broken tail light or not using a signal light or for simply existing in the wrong place in the wrong body.

Like I said before, I am frustrated because I want everyone on this planet to be recognized as a human. I am so tired of dehumanization, and we do it all the time. Just the other day I was reading an article about Jajuan Latham, the 12 year old who was shot as an innocent bystander by gun violence, and the comments were absolutely disgusting. The racist language being used was so dehumanizing towards all individuals of color. The violence in their words was almost as bad as the crime itself.

Dehumanization is the third step of genocide, and oh goodness are we there. I’m so scared for this nation and our inability to care or maybe our unwillingness to care. We don’t even care about our own citizens, about our neighbors, let alone the rest of the world. We only care about two things: ourselves and profit. Caring about and helping others doesn’t get us there, does it? So we just don’t do it.

I will say this. It’s easier not to care. Sometimes I miss the times when I didn’t. Caring and acting on that care is exhausting. It takes work, but it is so worth it in the end.

We’re all people created by the Creator and deserving of love and kindness because that’s what Jesus mimicked for us on the cross. He loved the unlovable, cared for the ones not cared for, sought out the ones who were ignored. I strive to be more like that every day, and I really hope you do too. We can start right here, right now on UT’s campus, not allowing the legislature to defund the Office of Diversity and Inclusion because diversity matters.

Two Little Truths

I wouldn’t usually be sitting here writing this when there’s a pile of homework beside me waiting to be done. But here I am. It’s easier because I already wrote all of this in the journal I started today. I bought a journal that I was supposed to fill with the times I was stressed out (aka all of the time) for a class, Stress Management, that I dropped because it was stressing me out. Long story. So, I changed the journal into journaling about Jesus because why not. I should have been doing it all along.

God has been reminding me over and over the past few days of these two little truths. Truths that once I realized have already significantly changed how I view life.

The first is this. God is enough. He and His love alone satisfies me. I don’t need other’s affections. I don’t need other’s compliments or Facebook likes. I don’t need people or food or things. Because none of that will satisfy me. It’s a hard thing to realize especially for someone like me who feels like she needs all of those desperately. I need acceptance. I need other people. I need my iPhone to survive. But those things won’t fill me like God does. I will always be left unsatisfied, feeling not good enough, disappointed, unloved and empty when I rely on those things or other people. Because they all fail. People fail you and make you feel unloved. iPhone’s die. Food spoils. Flowers fade. But God? He will always satisfy. He will never fail you or stop loving you. Ever. He is enough. He is all I really need. I never truly grasped what is meant by He is the bread of life, and now I do.

The second hit me suddenly and out of nowhere. But it relates to my constant fear of missing out. I’m basically like a kid who won’t fall asleep for a nap for fear of missing something awesome. I don’t like missing things. I don’t think anyone does. But God stopped me in my tracks and told me that in whatever moment I am in, He put me there. He designed the moment I am in right now intentionally and purposefully. So I shouldn’t be thinking of other moments I could be missing or what else I could be doing. I should be living this moment to its fullest. I should be completely present and engaged in every moment that I am in. And admittedly, I don’t do this very often. I am constantly thinking about something else instead of living in the exact moment that I was placed in. So this is definitely something I needed to realize. It’s something I need to work on improving at.

So there they are. Two little truths that I wanted to share with you.

Guns are not more important than people.

I don’t know when precious guns became more important than actually precious human lives, but I don’t like it. I don’t know when my life became more important than a potential robber’s life, but I don’t like that either.

I also don’t like guns. They terrify me. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t love them. It doesn’t mean that you can’t use them or own them. The second amendment is clear that we all have the right to bear arms.

Guns are such an idol, though. Why is your right to bear arms more important than people in poverty or the oppressed? I’m sorry, but I don’t understand why the protection of the second amendment is one of the most fought for issues. Why not the basic rights for those who don’t have any? Food for the hungry? Maybe homes for the homeless? I don’t get it.

And I am absolutely exhausted from hearing about gun violence. Exhausted. And angry. Heartbroken. Confused. Shocked. Dismayed. Depressed.

There’s already been 135 gun deaths in 2016.

Since 2011, there has been a public mass shooting every 64 days.

As President Obama recently pointed out, America is not the only country with violent people, and we are not more prone to violence than other countries. But we are the only advanced country that has mass violence at this scale. And apparently we don’t care. Because when moves are made to try to decrease the violence, we lash out and firmly say no because we’re scared of our precious guns being taken away.

Maybe it’s naivety, but I trust people. I see the good in people. And our President said in his speech that he did not have an agenda to take away your guns, and I believe him.

Gun control is good. Stricter laws on background checks is good. While it will not completely erase gun violence. It will save some lives. And some is better than none.

And “locking away all of the criminals, thugs and bad guys” is not going to more effectively solve the problem than gun control laws.

While I don’t like that mental health care was considered beside gun control like they are one in the same, I am glad that more funding is going to mental health. I find it troubling that the stigma of mental illness is automatically associated with violence, but  many suicides are committed with guns and some gun owners are haunted by mental illnesses that make them violent meaning they probably shouldn’t own guns. Regardless though, mental health is something that desperately needs more attention, and I’m ecstatic that it’s getting some.

Also, guns do need to be safer. Far too many people, children in particular, die from accidental gun injuries. This is a combination of unsafe storage and unsafe manufacturing. Both of which need to be addressed.

And by the way, guns are different than knives. They aren’t comparable. Guns were designed to kill. Knives were not. This is why gun control is significantly more important than something like knife control. People will still die, yes. Maybe from a stab wound. People will still kill. Maybe with a knife. But maybe, just maybe the violence and deaths will decline. And with that slight hope, I say go for it. Change some laws. Make the world a little less violent. A little less heartbreaking.

Because guns are not more important than people.

I don’t completely buy this but let’s say the violence is a people problem. A sin problem perhaps. Maybe we are all just inherently evil. We are violent and want to kill others. So then why won’t we do everything in our power to help limit the violence? Why not make responsible and safe gun laws so that we don’t have easy access to act on that violence? Why not make it easier for us to act on goodness, kindness and love? Because if I had a gun sitting beside me, it would be a whole lot easier for me to act on the anger I have for the person across the room by shooting them than talking it out peacefully. Even though my heart cannot handle violence. Even though I think I’m a pacifist. Even though guns scare the crap out of me.

Many times violence is easier than peace, and we are making it so easy to be violent. We are encouraging violent responses to fear or anger instead of peaceful ones. And I know we can’t fix all of this with gun laws.

Some “good people” do bad things which is why these gun laws won’t prevent all gun violence. Some “bad people” want to own guns for self-defense but would never pick it up to willing kill someone which is why these gun laws may be unfair. They don’t solve everything. But it’s better than nothing. It’s the best thing we’ve got right now.

If you’re against gun control laws, tell me what’s better. Please. I’d really like to know. But don’t tell me in the cruel and condescending way I see in Facebook comments. Like just because someone has a differing opinion they’re an idiot or attacking you. You’re better than that. Tell me how to fix gun violence, gun deaths, without throwing everyone in jail (because I don’t like that) and without gun control laws or taking your guns away (because you don’t like that). What’s in the middle? Let’s work together and figure it out.

In all honesty, though, I would be perfectly satisfied if guns didn’t exist.

And here we are at the end of some word vomit about gun control that might make everyone hate me. I hope you enjoyed.

Here’s the full text of Obama’s speech: https://sojo.net/articles/full-text-president-obamas-emotional-speech-gun-control

This Is Anxiety (to me).

Your heart drops. Your heart starts pounding. You start sweating. Your breath quickens. A thousand thoughts are racing through your head. Nope. I’m not talking about walking up The Hill. I’m talking about anxiety.

It’s about to get personal.

Buckle your seat belts, everybody.

I want to preface this by saying that I haven’t been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. But I’m fairly certain I have one, but even if I don’t, I definitely have anxiety and I’d be willing to bet that it’s more than the average person. I’d also like to point out that anxiety and worrying is different for everyone. This is it to me. From my perspective and from my experience. It doesn’t mean that this is how it is or feels to anyone else.

I’ve always been a worrier. For as long as I can remember, my dad has called me a worry wart. When I was young, it was simple things like when someone got hurt, I’d ask them over and over if they were sure they were okay. I still do that, but it’s more than that now. I worry about simple things like I used to. But I also worry about the future (a lot). For example, I still don’t know what I’m doing with my life and it scares me to death. I also have anxiety in social situations especially when it involves talking in front of a large group. Meeting new people or going to a place I’ve never been before makes me nervous. Phone calls give make me nervous. I have irrational fears that make absolutely no sense. I also have some normal phobias too like spiders and heights. I worry about the way others perceive me. I worry about other people’s well being. I worry about my dogs (and cat). I worry about myself. And truthfully, I could go on. It honestly feels like I worry about everything. Those people who are super calm and relaxed in any situation confuse me. I literally don’t understand it. I’d love to be them, though.

I’ve always looked at this worry and anxiety as sin. The Bible never explicitly says that worry is a sin, but because it means you’re not trusting God, it’s a sin… right? Well, this is my problem. I’m not denying that the lack of trust in God is a sin because it definitely is. I’m not even saying that worrying is not a sin. I’m saying this. When I’m worrying about something, I typically pray about it. I’m not going to lie and say I pray every time I worry, but for the most part, I do. Do you know what happens after I pray? I might feel at peace for a split moment, but then I still worry about it. This results in repetitive prayers for whatever I’m worrying about AND for forgiveness. These repetitive prayers solve nothing. I use it as a way of coping with my anxiety, but it’s not a way of trusting God. The thing is, I do trust God. I don’t trust Him enough. I doubt Him. But I try to trust Him, and I don’t think that my anxiety is a direct result of not trusting Him. There are times when I worry because I don’t trust Him, but there are also times where I worry because I honestly can’t help it. Because it’s the way my brain works.

I don’t want you to get me wrong, though. I’m not saying that reading my Bible and praying doesn’t help. They help immensely. I’m currently reading a book called Worry Less So You Can Live More. The chapter I just read said this: “God never intended for us to bite off more than one day’s worth of food, or life. Gather enough for the day, God says. Daily bread. Don’t try to gather more than you need for one day. Don’t worry about tomorrow, says Jesus. We’ve heard it so often it’s become trite. But seriously? If we store up, like the hoarded manna, those worries will rot our delight, and our relationships, leaving us writhing with the maggots of fear and discouragement and anxiety. It’s a disgusting image. But the picture reminds me, when I catapult myself forward into the worries of tomorrow (or next month or next year), that I am stashing, storing up, a rotting collection. I remember, then: bread of the presence. See your face. Today. I need to just watch, today, because God is watching, and God is present.” It’s when I read things like this that I remember. I forget, you see. I forget that God will provide. He is here. I am in His hands. I forget, but when I read and pray, I remember. My anxiety won’t go away completely. But I remember for a little while at least.

Seriously though, I think anxiety makes me forgetful. Or maybe my horrendous memory is unrelated. It’s weird… the things I remember and the things I forget. I remember painfully embarrassing moments. I remember people’s birthdays. I remember the overall memories of fun or happy moments, but not the details. I forget things I read. I forget things I learn. I forget what I write. I forget what I watch. I don’t remember basically anything from before middle school. I forget to do things often. I forget. A lot. It’s annoying.

During the summer and breaks from school, my overall anxiety level is generally better. But as school is quickly approaching and I’m thinking about all of the stuff I have to do this semester, I can feel anxiety coming. It’s like a tidal wave that I can see out in the ocean barreling right at me, but there’s no where to go and nothing to do except to stand there and watch it until it crashes over me. Anxiety is a weird feeling. It’s a feeling that I usually push away by distractions. Instead of being productive and trying to complete whatever it is causing anxiety, I distract myself from it by watching Netflix or something. I’m the type of person who sits and waits for a decision to pass by so I don’t have to make it. Distracting myself from anxiety like this is probably the reason I am such a terrible procrastinator. If only I’d realize that procrastinating makes it worse… And that distracting myself perpetuates my anxiety. It just allows it to fester until it boils over into a breakdown.

Another weird thing is the fact that I can usually sleep pretty good. Often times when someone has anxiety, they have difficulty shutting their brain off so they can sleep. It takes me about thirty minutes to an hour to turn my brain off, but after that I’m usually pretty solid. But I think it goes back to distractions… I use sleep as a distraction. When I’m sleeping, I can’t worry. This is also why I go to bed before I finish my homework instead of pulling all nighters on a frequent basis.

I read Philippians 4 often. It helps me remember that I know God has got this all under control. I know that with Him nothing is impossible. I know His plans are perfect. I know everything will work out. But I still worry. And maybe I don’t like it, but it’s okay. God made me a worrier, and I am strong despite it. I can’t let it defeat me, and I won’t. Worrier can easily be changed to warrior.

Anxiety makes me retreat. It makes me sit. It makes me miss out. I put myself in a box and refuse to come out. But movement heals. Getting out there helps. Stepping outside of my comfort zone- my box- isn’t actually as bad as I think it is. So I will try. I will try to step out, and with God, I know I will.

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us.” (Hebrews 12:1 ESV)

I leave you with an article that’s pretty great. You should read it.

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/god/church/5-things-christians-should-know-about-depression-and-anxiety

(I didn’t say the word “stress” at all in this post… strange.)