I’m having a crisis.
I started missing high school the other day so I’m obviously having a quarter-life crisis. Really, why would I want to go back there?
Maybe worse than that is the fact that I’ve gone my entire life thinking, knowing I was a Hufflepuff, but I made a Pottermore account yesterday to find out my Ilvermorny house (Pukwudgie) and decided to get sorted into my Hogwarts house while I was at it. I was fully expecting Hufflepuff then the result came… Ravenclaw? That can’t be right. You’re drunk, sorting hat.
But after some research, I think I’ve been lying to myself. I think the sorting hat was right. I think I am a Ravenclaw. What is happening. Do I actually have enough knowledge to answer a complicated question every time I go into the common room?
The good news is that I’m fairly certain Pukwudgie is the Hufflepuff equivalent of the American wizarding school, but seriously. I’m having an identity crisis.
My serious Hufflepuff pride has turned into a confused whirlwind of canary yellow and black, blue and bronze, badgers and eagles. I can’t just change my allegiance. That’s like suddenly going from a die-hard Braves fan to a Cubs fan. WHO AM I?
I have no idea.
All I know is that I’m going to have to change my Twitter bio. And my About Me page (which needs changed anyway because I’m no longer a senior at the University of Tennessee… I’m an alum. Still weird).
It’s funny (or not) because this isn’t the first time I’ve had this identity problem.
I’ve been in a constant battle between identifying as an ISFJ or an INFJ for the Myers-Briggs personality test for a while. I’ve taken it repeatedly and gotten both more than once. I think I probably more closely align with and most often say that I am an ISFJ, but I really aspire to be an INFJ. In my ideal self, that’s what I would be. But regardless, the question still stands.
Who am I?
Because it’s not really what I want or what I thought.
But it’s exactly how God made me.
You know, I think our culture (me included) is too caught up in categories and bios and descriptions. We have to have the perfect clever but descriptive social media bio and email signature. We have to be democrat or republican, liberal or conservative, Hufflepuff or Ravenclaw, pro-life or pro-choice, gun laws or 2nd amendment, ISFJ or INFJ, etc, etc…
Like there’s never a scale.
But I fall in the middle ALL the time which makes me question who I am ALL the time.
I don’t fit in one certain category so who am I?
Well, I’m me. Maybe I don’t perfectly fit into socially constructed categories, but I’m me. And that’s okay.
Hi, I’m Mikayla and I’m just a person trying to figure out who she is. Trying to figure out God’s calling and purpose for her life. Trying to follow His will. Trying to find herself along the way. Trying to be confident in how God created her.
And maybe that looks like a very confused girl (or woman, rather) who can’t figure out if she’s a Ravenclaw or a Hufflepuff. But it also looks like a woman who is trying to embrace who she is and be confident in it no matter what anyone else says or on which side they tell her she should be on. A woman who loves the middle and hates it too but stays there anyways because it’s who she is.
A woman who is also really indecisive and maybe that’s the real problem here.
Shoot, I am clearly a mess. But the Lord thought it was a good idea to create me like this so I might as well love it. We all wish for changes in ourselves, to be a little more this or a little better at that. And don’t get me wrong, it’s good to want to improve and we should strive for improvement. But loving yourself exactly how you are is important. So, I’m choosing to love who I am even if I don’t know what exactly that is. Even in the midst of confusion and uncertainty. Even if there’s qualities that don’t make sense or that I don’t want to like. I’m choosing to love who I am.
Whoever I am, I love it. Or I’m trying to at least.
Remember that you are beautiful. Love yourself well. And love others well because they’re beautiful too.
Also, never tickle a sleeping dragon. (and that’s why I’m single)
Until next time,
Your favorite RavenPuff (or is it HuffleClaw?)