This past year I’ve learned a lot about myself, and through this I’ve grown so much. I finally understand the root of some of my major problems and sins. I worry a lot. It’s something I’ve always struggled with, and until recently I didn’t necessarily want to fix it or even know how if I did want to fix it. The answer is Jesus. It always is.
Along with my worry problem, I also get stressed extremely easily. It’s also always been a problem for me, and sometimes it might be because I’m a horrible procrastinator, but most of the time, it’s because my focus isn’t where it should be. It should be on God.
Finally, I have this problem with impatience. It’s definitely the least prevalent out of all of these, but it’s there and a problem. I want things, now. But that’s not God’s plan, and I need to accept that.
All of these point to one thing, and that’s my very prevalent and strong trust problem. To put it simply, I don’t trust God in a lot of aspects of my life. I like to say I do, but because of my worry, stress and impatience, I don’t live like I do.
BUT since God has made me realize all of this, I’m working on it, and nothing has felt so good. I’m not perfect in any of these areas, and I don’t think I will ever be. I have improved, though. I don’t worry or stress nearly as much. This past semester may have been my hardest semester yet, but it didn’t feel that way, and I’m so thankful for that. Putting everything in His hands and trusting that His plans are what’s best for me, not mine, is the best feeling. It’s so draining worrying and stressing, and so relieving when you let it all go and let God control it. My goal is to close my eyes, take His hand and let Him lead me wherever He wants because that’s so much easier than planning everything on my own.
And A Selfish Problem.
Up until this point, this was written a while ago. I never posted it because it never felt complete. What I’m about to add may not make what was already written complete, but I think it will make the blog overall more complete.
Yesterday, I realized another problem that is so prevalent in my life, I almost missed it. It doesn’t come back to the trust problem, but it’s still important. I am a very selfish person. I pretend I’m not, but I am. I think of myself most of the time and leave very little room for anyone else. And the people I do leave room for are my friends and family. Typically, I don’t give a second thought to the homeless guy I pass on the street or the person who looks lost in Walmart or anyone who needs help. I just walk by. There are so many people in the world who need help or love or a hug, and I don’t give it to them. I don’t even try. And I don’t try because I don’t want to.
I think this selfishness that I have may steam from my personality. I’m not trying to give excuses for why I’m so selfish, but I truly think this is why I am so selfish. I need people’s acceptance. I need people to like me. I constantly apologize for being me, and I constantly try to impress people. It’s something I’ve always done. I simply care what people think of me, and I think that all of this points to selfishness. I have always been so absorbed in myself and how others view me that I don’t even glance at the people around me. It doesn’t matter what people think of me because God made me perfectly the way I am, and it’s so selfish to think that He didn’t.
I have a friend. Her name is Kylee, and I would consider her one of my best friends. One of the reasons why is because she consistently pushes me to be a better me. She forces me to go out of comfort zone so I can improve. She takes the time to attempt to help me. And she did this all before I even made the connection. Yes, I wanted to fix it before now, but I never even really knew the problem. Maybe she didn’t see my selfishness, but everything she has done to make me care less about what people think has been steps toward a more selfless me. God knew what He was doing when He put her in my life. I am so thankful for Kylee and her ability to understand me when I didn’t even understand myself, and she means more to me than she’ll ever know because of that. And maybe the reason I’m sharing all of this on this blog is because I can’t talk to her right now to tell her how I finally understand. And I just had to tell someone. I get it, y’all. It all makes sense now.
And now I will pray a lot. I will put in extra effort in all of these things to improve and get better. And TRUST that God will always 100% of the time take care of me and put me into the situations and places that I’m supposed to be in and that He will never give me too much to handle.
Thanks, God, for forgiving me for things I’ve already done and things I will do, and thanks for being there. I can’t do it on my own.