Sometimes, to put it simply, I don’t feel good enough. I don’t feel pretty enough, smart enough, nice enough. Sometimes I don’t care at all about any of that, but sometimes, a lot of times, I do.
I have a twin, if you didn’t know, and a lot of people joke about who’s their favorite twin. And believe me on this, I don’t care if you do that AT ALL. It really doesn’t bother me, but deep down I think to myself that there is actually no one that likes me better than her. I know this isn’t true, but I still convince myself of it sometimes. Sometimes I joke about the fact that everyone hates me, and sometimes I believe that. Again, I know it isn’t true.
I long for people to like me. It’s a problem I’ve always had. There has hardly been a moment where I didn’t care what people thought of me. I have to constantly remind myself that God’s opinion is the only one that matters.
I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
I am 20 years old, and I’ve never had a boyfriend. Actually, I’ve never even been asked out. I’m as single as single can get. Now, sometimes I enjoy the single life, and for a long time I didn’t care that I didn’t have a boyfriend, but the older I get, the harder it gets to be patient. Looking back, I’m content with the fact that I’ve never had a boyfriend up to the point of college because I know that any of those relationships would have not at all been Christ-centered. They wouldn’t have worked, and I know that. But now, it’s getting more difficult.
The most terrifying thing you can do is ask God for patience because He’ll give it to you, and I’ve done that… and He’s definitely making me wait. But His timing and plans are perfect, and I know that. I just have to trust Him, which is one of the hardest things for me to do. It’s so difficult for me, and I wish it wasn’t. It’s one of my biggest struggles, but I’m working on it continuously. Maybe I’ll never have a boyfriend, get married, have kids, and that’s okay because that’s God’s plan for me.
“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” -Jeremiah 29:11
I declared my major as Sociology yesterday. This was a big step for me because A) I’m extremely indecisive and B) It caused me to trust God because I have absolutely no clue what I’m going to do with a Sociology degree. But I’m going to continue to trust Him through all of this. Because putting your life in His hands instead of worrying and stressing is the most relieving thing you will ever do.
There’s a quote in Crazy Love by Francis Chan that says,
“Worry implies that we don’t quite trust God is big enough, powerful enough, or loving enough to take care of what’s happening in our lives.
Stress says the things we are involved in are important enough to merit our impatience, our lack of grace towards others, or our tight grip of control.
Basically, these two behaviors communicate that it’s okay to sin and not trust God because the stuff in my life is somehow exceptional. Both worry and stress reek of arrogance. They declare our tendency to forget that we’ve been forgiven, that our lives are brief … and that in the context of God’s strength, our problems are small, indeed.”
And when I read that, it might not have been what I wanted to hear, but it was definitely what I needed to hear.
My prayer today and always will be:
“Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior”